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My Journey- 1st Stage - Where it all started...

Unbridled Change — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 11:16:00 GMT

I was asked during an interview last month, “What was your journey? How did you end up putting horses together to help “heal” others? Like many other professionals in this field, I DID have a journey and a path that has lead to me where I am today. I’d like to share those with you. My hope is that it might inspire even one person to follow their heart, and search out their dreams.

I guess my journey with horses started when I was 6 years old. We were on a family vacation in Florida, and my parents booked one of those trail ride adventures. From everything I’ve heard, I had an awesome time. My sister had a traumatic experience, as her horse took off with her going back to the barn, and now she’s scarred for life – she does NOT like horses! Looking back now, I wonder if my life might have been different if we had traded horses. It’s funny how life works out that way.

When we got home, I apparently bugged my parents over and over to ride again. I had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyper-activity Disorder (ADHD) as well as dyslexia. Mom had done some research and read that horseback riding was one of the things that helped children focus. Desperate for some solutions, Mom set out to find a program she could sign me up for. Because I was still only 6, she had a difficult time as many of the riding barns in the area would not take riders until they were 8. I ended up in a county riding program. Note – this experience is not in any way a reflection on all county run horse programs. Instead, look at it as a reflection that not all horse organization/barns/programs are equal. I was at this program for about 5 months, and apparently the condition of the horses and the level of professionalism left an extreme amount to be desired. Still, a connection was made between my mother and another mother in the group. I had just turned 7, and her daughter was 8. That little girl was on a waiting list for the Junior Equation School (JES) owned by Jane Dillon. She had a strict policy of starting riders at 8. My mother was my advocate, and spoke with Mrs. Dillon about making an exception and letting me in at 7. After being interviewed and demonstrating my riding skills, Mrs. Dillon decided to let me into the program early.

My mother didn’t know it at that time, but that single move on her part helped keep me on the path. Jane Dillon literally wrote the book on modern equitation riding skills. She was one of the main supporters of the Washington International Horse show, taught Olympic Gold medalist riders such as Joe Fargis, and had many other professional riders as graduates of JES. Over the following years I would flourish under her, the instructors she had, and her horses’ guidance. I cannot give them all enough credit for helping me become the horseperson I am today.

Northern Virginia was growing and the barn relocated from Vienna to Clifton and changed from Full Cry Farm to Little Full Cry. Mrs. Dillon was retiring and severely shortening her roster of students. I was one of the lucky few that made the cut to continue riding and learning under her instruction. However, my life was about to change forever. On a normal fall day I was at the barn for a lesson. A group of riders and horses had just come back from showing in Florida and I was helping unload the trailer. At some point that day I was also bitten by a mosquito, and this particular little guy was infected with viral encephalitis. Within just a few days, I was sick, throwing up, had an insanely painful headache, an extremely high fever, and trouble moving my head. My parents took me to urgent care and from there I was rushed to the hospital. That night began the next chapter in my life – starting over.

After a spinal tap, they diagnosed it as viral encephalitis. At that time, there was nothing they could do but try to control the pain and fever, and give me a chance to survive. As if that wasn’t enough, I also developed Spinal Meningitis at the same time. For those of you not familiar with these illnesses, one was making my brain swell out, and the other was making the lining of my brain swell inwards. The result? I found myself in a coma. 2 weeks later I woke up, but there was one big problem, and many small ones.

The first, and biggest problem to me, was that I had no memory. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know my family and friends. I couldn’t read, write, or tie my shoes, any of the daily menial tasks. I was a blank slate, or so everyone thought. I also couldn’t walk, and had no control of my body past the middle of my back. I had sensation, but there were communication problems – the brain couldn’t get the message to my legs to move. To add on, I couldn’t hear. The swelling in my brain had affected my hearing and left scar tissue. To this day, I drive my friends’ nuts when they forget that they’re on my “bad” side. I’m not ignoring them, I just can’t hear them! Also, I could hardly see, and had extreme light sensitivity. The room had to remain dark at all times as the pain from the light was barely tolerable.

At age 13, my life started over. The Michelle that everyone knew was gone for me, but not to them. I spent the next two months in the hospital, and slowly regaining my sight, but my ability to walk, hear, and regain memory was not on the list. The doctor’s told my parents to not expect me to walk ever again, let alone ride a horse, and that the memories “stored” in that part of my brain damaged by the swelling were lost.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Round Pen…

Unbridled Change — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 18:34:00 GMT

So this entry is about a little “life lesson” I had recently. I was reminded that horses have a knack for making sure you are 'living in the moment' and also that the universe has a way of keeping you grounded and humble. Interested? Here goes...

This last week I have been running around like crazy. I’ve been trying to catch up on office work, barn chores, and sessions from having been out of town on business the week before. I must confess that I'd been feeling rather pleased with myself. Unbridled Change had been presented an award, and I had been asked to speak on a few panels. You know the old saying, "What goes up, must go down?" Yeah. Anyway. Back to our story. I was just sitting down to finish up writing a grant when my phone rang. It was the owner of a 3 year old Frisian that I have been helping start and train. The question was simple, “Aren't you coming over to work with him this morning?” My first “Oh No!” moment of the day . . . and there were more brewing. I answered, “Why yes, yes, I’m coming. Let me wrap this up and I’ll be there in 30 minutes.” I finished up the sentence I was working on and then ran out the door. A quick visit to the tack room and I was in the truck on the way to their house. But as anyone who’s done it knows, the more you rush, the worse it gets.

On a side note – I really love helping people work with their horses. I enjoy meeting the different horses, and helping them work through various training issues. I grow as a horsewoman with each new interaction. Most of you “horse” people will know that starting a horse is so much easier when they come to you for a few months. It’s your setup, your timetable, you can work with them when you are in the right frame of mind, and so on. But in this case, I was going to them. They have 2 horses that they need help with. They are new to the horse world, and are doing an amazing job of trying to learn everything they can about them. They want their horses to stay put, and learn how to work with them, not just get a green horse back without any idea where to start.

Back to the story. I was running late, my focus still on the grant that is due this week and on the horses I still need to work for our program. You get the picture, I was NOT living in the moment. I pulled up to the house, grabbed my stuff, and jumped down from the truck. The owner was there to greet me, excited about his horse's first day in the round pen. I’ve worked with this particular horse three times in the field and a small arena, but the round pen hadn’t been available because the footing hadn't been dry. The horse had shown himself to be very curious and not spooky, but with a lack of respect that is typical in young horses.

In hindsight, this is where I can plainly see the mistake I made that day. I had assumed (and we all know what that means!) that because they had had this horse for over a year, they had taken him everywhere on the property. The other problem, which, for the record, did give me a moment of pause, was that the round pen was about 500 feet away from the pasture and not in an enclosed space. I hadn't wanted to be rude by questioning the placement of the pen. Also, I hadn’t seen any spooky behavior from this 3 year old, and so I assumed it was okay because the owner never said anything. And, yeah, I was feeling pretty confident with myself and my own skills.

Stay with me here. We (me and the horse) were walking towards the round pen. We’d just left the pasture (his happy place) behind and were walking up the gravel road. All the while his head was getting higher and higher. Part of my brain was still focused on everything on my plate, and another part was starting to hear a little alarm bell go off. I casually asked the owner when the last time was that they'd brought him up here. The answer? "Never." As if on cue, the horse chose that moment to come unglued. He reared, striking out with his front feet. Again, because I wasn’t 100% present, I lost my one and only chance to remain in control as the lead line slid out of my grasp. I had a brief thought: “I’ve got this. I’m just going to give a hard yank on his way down and catch him off balance. I’ll get him to yield his hind quarters, and we’ll be back in business.” That's not what happened. Instead, he came down, proceeded to turn and kick out with both hind legs and took off. Again, I foolishly though, “I’ve still got this. I’ll just hold on, turn his neck around and bring him to a stop.” After about 10 feet I went sailing through the air and was forced to let go.

He was gone – bucking, kicking, dragging the rope behind him and leaving me scraped up and covered in mud. Luckily, he made a U-turn and went back toward the stable where we were able to catch him. After checking him over, I took a deep breath, and said a little thank you prayer. I looked him in the eye, and back up the road we went toward the round pen, but this time, with a major difference. This time, I stayed in the moment, paying attention to his every cue, and was able to get him there without a repeat performance of that wild scene.

The moral of this little tale is this: Every session that I have with our clients, we talk about being in the moment. The importance of knowing what you’re feeling, what others around you are feeling, and staying present. About how to not get lost in your own head with worries, destructive thought patterns, and so on. On that day, as I was flying through the air, I thought, “Isn’t this ironic! My kids would be laughing their heads off right now because I should have known better.”

The universe really does have a funny way of keeping people grounded. Just last week I was sailing high – excited that Unbridled Change was doing so well and proud of what I had accomplished in less then two years with the program. A few days later – I’m sitting on my backside, covered in mud thanks to a horse that had re-taught me the importance of keeping my head in the game. I’ll remember this life lesson long after the mud is scrubbed away and the bruises have healed.

So...any good lessons your horse taught you lately???

Learning to Run and Play

Unbridled Change — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 18:58:00 GMT

I was going through my normal barn routine this morning and I took a moment to enjoy one of the best parts – the moment when you are turning out horses and you watch as the canter off into the field – tails up,nickering to their friends, and usually a beautiful playful toss of their necks that sends their manes flying up into the air. This moment is always joyous for me because I’m able to see that they are happy, they are healthy, and they are a peace in that moment. For the horses that we have at our program that is a huge change for them. The majority of our horses are rescues. When they come to us they are malnourished, have poor muscle tone, and in some cases, totally terrified of other horses and the wide-open space of the pastures. It takes work to gain their trust, heal their broken spirits and help them find that true inner horse that wants to run free and play in the field.

The parallels to the children and adults we work with are huge. This morning I flashed back to a young 8 year old boy that I worked with. He had one of those histories that makes you sick to your stomach to read. You just sit there and think, “How in the world could someone do those things to a child?” He was a beautiful young boy that trusted no one. He had been in and out of different foster families since coming into the system at age 5. His behaviors were so out of control that they were looking at possibly placing him in a residential treatment facility at the young age of 8. The current foster care home he was placed in had a real shot at turning into an adoption but only if they could get his destructive and violent behaviors under control. The family had grown to love him, but didn’t feel safe with him.

We started working with the boy and he soon showed his behaviors in the arena – chasing away the horses when they didn’t do exactly what he wanted, throwing objects at them if they dared turn their back or look away. When the horses were working with him he would through a kink in it by pushing the horses or yelling at them –then state “See I told you they don’t like me.” This little boy truly did everything in his power to push away any one,but he also desperately wanted them to be with him. It was his way or the highway, so to speak.

The interesting thing was he was drawn to the bigger horses in the field. When given the option topick a horse for the day he always wanted to work with the “big guys”. When asked what that was about he always stated that they were free and liked to play. The word “free” is used constantly by the clients we work with – how interesting is it that even an 8 year old knows that he was stuck, still a captive of his past in his current thoughts and behaviors. With the bigger horses we focused a lot on “safety” not instructing him on what horse safety was, but on when he thought a situation was “safe” and when it wasn’t. We focused on the horse’s body language and on his and when he made the situation “unsafe”, because of his actions. This had huge parallels into his own life because he often made home and school unsafe because of his behaviors. We worked on what he could do the change things from “unsafe” to safe and then finally from just “safe” to a“happy/free” place.

One day, he picked the big horse, Diesel again. However this day the horse was still out in our main field with the other “big” horses including some of the younger rescue horses. They were all the way at the far side and the little boy decided he wanted to go and get Diesel out on his own. I asked him one question – what do you need to be safe? He stated “Nothing,I got this.” With hesitation on my part,out in the field we went. He had learned that horses responded to his whistle so he proceeded to start whistling and calling for Diesel. He got way more then he bargained for. All four horses raised their heads, flicked their ears a couple of time then took off at a dead gallop straight towards us.

This was one of those moments when I was thinking, “Ok kid,time's up.” I felt that I needed to move him back over the fence, but I was able to fight that urge and wait it out. The little boy started to back upon his own move behind me. The horses were getting closer now and were galloping, bucking, and playing their way across the open field. When they were almost to us he jumped the fence and was smiling. We I joined him on the other side I asked what the smile was about. He thought,then said “I was scared, but I really wanted to stay and play with them.” I asked if he was scared now. He said “No, because the fence keeps me safe.” I then asked what the “fence” was in his real life. Again he thought for a second then said it was the rules his foster parents set-up for him

The horses arrived at the fence but were still in a playful mood. They ran the fence line kicking out, rearing up, and bucking out. The boy asked if he could play with them too, but with the “rules” in place. I told him “Sure, go for it.“ The next 10 minutes we stood and watched as the little boy ran up and down the fence line with the horses truly playing with him. If one reared he would mimic by pawing his arms and hands in the air,then run down the other end kicking out in the same way. When he settled down to a walk so did all four horses on the other side. When he stopped, they did as well. What an amazing moment to watch him play with the horses – give and take with their needs and wants and his own needs and wants, staying within the “rules” to stay safe, but having fun!

At the end of the session we processed the experience with the foster parents. They were amazed that he put the two concepts together on his own. He was so proud of himself! Foster mom and dad stated at the next session that they only had to remind him of the “fence” when he started to push boundaries and he would back up on his own and apologize. That day, that moment of play, was a turning point for him; one that led to lasting change and eventually being adopted by the foster family. This is the “why” of what we do - seeing these life changing moments happen, one client at a time.

Horse Sense - written by an acutal client

Unbridled Change — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:53:00 GMT

A client's perceptive of equine assisted psychotherapy

There is pain in everyone’s life,it just takes different forms. Some times the pain is caused by your own decisions, and sometimes it is caused by wrong actions against you. Either way, there solution of that pain is your responsibility, and that’s where Unbridled Change can help. The truth is none of us have the answers all by ourselves. What most people don’t know is that a solution can come from a friend with four hooves, a mane and a tail.

As a woman who experienced abuse in her childhood and marriage my life held pain. A life crisis helped me to make some decisions to pursue greater health physically and mentally. My first step on the journey to mental health was realizing that I may not be equipped with the right tools to make excellent decisions. Being a highly verbal person did not mean that “talk therapy” had solved all my problems. I was stuck and I knew I was stuck. Enter some four footed friends with distinct personalities assisted by some two footed therapists who provided the safety to explore my world inside my head while I spent time inside a corral.

My adaptive and evasive coping mechanisms quickly were exposed by the actions of the equine part of my team. We all have them you know, and they come in different forms. They may even be choices that were protective and appropriate when you were younger, but no longer serve you well now. There is nothing like a horse to bring those things to light. A horse is a safe way to work through deep pain because they live in the moment. Your past is not held against you and your future is wide open with them. Each session provides an experience that is safe for learning and growing. Pardon the pun, but equine therapy provides a safe “arena” to learn about your weaknesses and your strengths.

During my twelve week process my fears were exposed. I got to see where my fears were appropriate and where they were not. I realized that fear was preventing my growth and health. I realized that I was living a life that was not true to my heart, and that my heart was grand indeed. Like the horses I spent time with, I was able to make a choice about how to live my life despite my past. I was able to make choices “in the moment” in response to my relationship with each horse in the corral on any given day. I got to exercise flexibility. Through their unique personalities I experienced how I interact with the people in my world. My days between sessions were spent practicing the new skills I had learned. At the end of my twelve weekly sessions I made a healthy decision in regard to my future. I had been unable to make that healthy choice in the past, and the consequences of my inability followed me for years. The reason I was able to make that decision was because I applied a little horse sense. Sometimes being exposed to something unique and different can be the catalyst for good change. I know it was for me.

Pushing through Boundaries

Unbridled Change — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 01:40:00 GMT

Pushing through Boundaries

During an open house we were hosting at Unbridled Change I had the unique opportunity to push my personal boundaries on where Equine Assisted Learning /Equine Assisted Psychotherapy (EAL/EAP) can be utilized and with what populations.

We had set up our facilities and horses in the normal fashion for our open houses. Some horses up in the barn so that visitors can meet the herd and the demonstration horses in the arena already moving around and also available for the public to come up and meet. Frank, Lady Grey, and Shawnee were our demo horses for the day.

Unbridled Change offers mental health therapy, educational/learning programs and therapeutic riding,but our open houses and demos focus mainly on the mental health and learning side of our program. As I was greeting our guests and answering questions and a wonderful young lady “Kristy” tapped my arm and asked if we let people ride. I was getting ready to turn around and answer in my typical fashion, “No, all our EAP/EAL clients complete hands-on activities with horses on the ground…” but as I turned I noticed that she was in a wheel chair. Without thinking I switched into therapeutic riding mode with her and barely talked about the EAGALA side of our program. Kristy proceeds to inform me that she loves horses and her older sister has competed in hunter/jumpers and owns a thoroughbred. She worked with her sisters horse but hasn’t been able to ride her due to temperament and safety concerns. She shared that her dream was to work with horses as a professional and “…be completely free with them”.

As we moved into the demo portion of the open house, I switched back over to the EAGALA side of my brain and started describing that side of our program, the types of populations we typically work with and what some of the benefits are. I asked for volunteers to help with the demo. Kristy had wheeled up onto our mounting ramp so that she could greet the horses and see into the ring without obstructions. She smiled but did not raise her hand. We started into the EAL activity, “Horse Human Blob” when completed my co-facilitator, Cami Murnane,and I were processing what that was like for the group. The group decided that they really weren’t done and they wanted to try it again this time without lead ropes(some of the group members thought it was cheating). So we sent them back out to try again.

At that moment Kristy raised her hand and asked if she could come in and help. I have to admit at that I had a flash of loose horses running around the arena, her in her electric chair stuck in the middle and possibly getting injured – the therapeutic riding side of my brain was screaming “No Way!!” in my head. I did what I normally did when my own issues or stuff comes up – looked to my co-facilitator Cami Murnane, our therapist. She was smiling and nodded in approval. I was still not sure but decided to practice what I preach – trust the horses.

Kristy wheeled into the arena – without talking the group of volunteers took a defensive position around her. She was barely able to get next to a horse. What happened over the next 30 minutes reminded me that our horses are amazing! Frank, our big draft horse, was the first to greet her, lowering his head to her knees – as she wheeled around him he never flinched. It was our racking horse Shawnee that caught my attention. She was watching her and moving closer and closer to her – slowly working her way through the group of people to greet Kristy.

Kristy turned to greet Shawnee but she was still blocked by the group; up until this point she had not talked to the group directly. She stated that she wanted to touch Shawnee – the group parted slightly to let her stretch out her hand but remained a wall between her and the horse. They stayed that way for a while,the group trying to get the horses to move by pushing on their necks, bodies and rump – with Kristy on the outside. Then Kristy spoke up again, “I really want to be next to the horse.” The group looked at each other and then at us – we shrugged our shoulders and said nothing. Shawnee answered the question for them.

Shawnee pushed through two people and came to a stop directly in front of Kristy – knee to knee with her. She stood there as Kristy reached out and rubbed her chest then put her head all the way down into her lap, placing her forehead against Kristy’s check. After several moments Kristy spoke softly to Shawnee and moved her chair forward into her and said “Come on,” Shawnee started to back up.

When the group was behind Kristy – she maneuvered her chair to the side of Shawnee and asked her to come again. This time the group formed into one unit with Kristy and Shawnee in the middle. They proceeded in this fashion to the end of the arena and back again – with the group following Kristy’s directions to help get the other horses into the Blob.

Then another “unique” horse moment come up – Shawnee the lowest pecking order horse (one that stands up to no one) shifted into an alpha of the herd – if any other horse tried to get near Kristy she would pin her ears, swish her tail, back up to them and strike at the ground with a rear hoof. When we asked Kristy what she thought those behaviors were about she simply stated, “She is making sure I am safe, I feel free right now!”

After the demo was over, Kristy and Shawnee spent another 15-20 minutes together in the ring – with her leading and wheeling Shawnee all over the arena on her own. When they were done Kristy asked if she could work with Shawnee if she came out to ride in our program – the answer was of course yes. We had just witness that special moment when a horse and a human choose each other.

She asked if she could continue to work with her on the ground and learn more about that part – I was surprised by this, as normally it is a struggle to keep people on the ground. I stated yes and asked what she liked about the “ground stuff” – the answer was simple and profound. “I can do the ground stuff on my own – without having to have people around me. I am completely free with Shawnee, she picked me.”

What a wake-up call this experience was for me! Even with our therapeutic riding program and my personal history of starting my professional career 10 years ago on therapeutic riding side I have never put the two pieces of our program together. We have had special education classes out to the barn for Equine Assisted Learning (EAL) activities but they have all been independently mobile. On that day Kristy opened my mind and pushed boundaries I didn’t even know existed – reminding me of the power of the EAGALA model for all types of populations. It also was yet another reminder that it is moments like these that I do what I do!

Welcome!

Unbridled Change — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:46:20 GMT

Welcome to Unbridled Change's blog. As founder of Unbridled Change I am asked all the time what led you start this organization...why do you guys do what you do...can horses really create lasting change and true healing???

We have started this blog to help paint the picture of the types of experiences we have everyday at Unbridled Change. Some of our entries will reflect a moving moment that happen, a funny story from the horse's mouth, our program through the eyes of a volunteer or client.

We hope that you follow along with us as we journey through the daily life of running an equine assisted activities and therapy organization that works with children, teens, families, and adults to help create a turning point in their lives. Maybe you will be inspired along with us!

Michelle Holling-Brooks
Founder/Executive Director